Happy Now
by skygirl55
Summary: The disappearance of Richard Castle rocked Kate Beckett's world—and his return just might do the same. Semi-AU Season 3. Post 3XK.
1. Chapter 1

**Happy Now**

The disappearance of Richard Castle rocked Kate Beckett's world—and his return just might do the same. Semi-AU Season 3. Post 3XK.

Note: This assumes 3XK was set a little bit later in the season than it actually was - hence Semi-AU.

5 Parts. Part of the Caskett Fanfic Pornado weekend (meaning Part 4 is M rated)

* * *

 **One**

Kate Beckett walked through the Twelfth precinct on her way back from the bathroom without much thought. She gave Ryan a polite nod as she passed him, but otherwise continued on her path with no interruption. They were between cases at that moment, which she was perfectly happy about as it gave her time to catch up on paperwork and some "rainy day" projects that had been sitting around for months.

As she arrived at her desk, Kate dropped her left hand to her side and let her fingertips graze over the side arm of her guest chair. Of course, the chair was not so much a guest chair as it was The Consultant Chair. Or, as she liked to think of it, Castle's chair. Though it had been over a year since her writer companion had occupied the spot, she still thought of it as his, and felt actively uncomfortable when anyone else sat in it, for her heart knew it could never truly fit anyone else.

Not one work day passed without Kate thinking about the man who had been her loyal partner for two years. Sure, now and then she would go through an entire day off without thinking of him, particularly if she was quite busy or otherwise occupied, but at work—how could she not think of him? His absence there was palpable. His laugh still echoed from the walls and the memory of his smile still pulled at the strings of her heart.

Kate knew that for as long as she lived she would never forget the moment that she burst into a pay-by-the-hour hotel room to find one of her partners bleeding and unconscious and the other gone without a trace. Due to his head injury, Detective Ryan was unable to provide any information on Castle's whereabouts. He didn't even remember arriving at the hotel. Fortunately, Kate had put the pieces together herself, but the knowledge that Castle had been kidnapped by a serial killer certainly provided her no comfort.

The man known as 3KX or the Triple Killer had hoodwinked all of them into believing he wasn't the monster he was. By the time they'd figured out Jerry Tyson's true identity it had been too late, and Castle paid the price. With no security cameras or witnesses in the area, they were behind before they could even get ahead, but Kate refused to give in even a centimeter, especially after she watched the horrific sorrow on the faces of his mother and daughter when they were told the news.

As was her way, Kate threw every piece of her body and soul into bringing her partner home. She was confident to the point of cocky in those first few days. Of course she could bring Castle home; of course she could find him. Tyson was just a person—a human. He would screw up. He would be seen. Even if he was on point, she knew that her partner would be trying to escape every single second and, as he was one of the most clever and intelligent people she knew, she believed he could succeed. Or, at the very least, find a way to leave them breadcrumbs.

Two days passed, then three, then seven, and they still had no clue. There had been no sightings of Tyson or Castle anywhere. With both her team and the FBI feeling the frustration, Kate could have begun to lose hope, but she refused, because she knew her partner was out there, and she would not give up on him, because she knew he would never give up on her. They were partners, and that's what partners did.

Unfortunately for her resolve, days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. The FBI downgrading the status of the case had been an unexpectedly emotional blow to Kate. So had Esposito's reality-check style conversation with her, during which he encouraged her to accept the possibility that after many months it was entirely possible her partner would not return to them alive and well.

Knowing she had almost lost everything, her life included, to one case she'd dedicated her life to, Kate knew she would not survive a second trip down that rabbit hole, so she'd backed off on her investigation. She would never, ever, _ever_ give up hope that Castle was out there somewhere, but other than her bi-weekly checks of known associates, APB's, and other places she felt likely to find success, she had stopped her investigation as well; it simply hurt too much.

Sitting back in her seat, Kate gazed at her guest chair with a sad little smile. She liked to touch it every time she walked past as she believed that touch to be a silent promise to her partner to honor his memory in every little way she could—and of course to never forget him and the many ways in which he'd changed her life.

As she had not thought about Castle to quite that level in a few weeks, Kate made a mental note to call Martha and check in with her sometime in the next few days. Without a doubt, the two Castle women had taken the writer's disappearance the hardest. Every time she saw them arrive at the Twelfth to look for any updates on the case, she felt no small amount of guilt because were Castle not her shadow, he would not have been kidnapped. Evidently sensing this feeling, Martha had pulled her aside a few weeks in and explained that they in no way found her responsible. Her son, she said, would not have stopped shadowing even if they'd begged him to. He was happy with what he was doing; it was all his choice—a choice she was certain he would make again even if he knew the outcome.

In the time since his disappearance, Kate saw the Castle women once a month on average. At first it was to catch up on the case, but as time went on and the leads dried up, they would just get together to have dinner and catch up on each other's lives. Though they had not been particularly close before his disappearance, they shared the bond of losing the man they cared about, which brought them closer. Kate was always pleased to see the women doing as well as could be expected all things considered.

Ten minutes later as she continued to clean up her email inbox, Kate noticed her phone ringing even though it was on silent. She turned her eyes to the screen and saw it was an unknown number, so she declined the call and went back to her work, figuring it was a telemarketer. A moment later, she noticed the notification light blinking meaning whomever it was left her a voicemail.

Huffing out a breath, Kate picked up her phone, dialed into her voicemail, and then held the device to her ear, fully expecting to hear the tail-end of an automated junk sales call. Instead, what she heard caused her to nearly drop the phone from her grasp.

" _Beckett_."

Instantaneously, her heart ceased to beat. The blood froze in her veins and her stomach jumped up into her throat. The tone on the other end of the line was quiet, purposeful, not frantic, but undeniably recognizable.

" _At least I hope this is still Beckett's number. It's me—Castle. I…I guess it's been awhile—don't know how long, actually. Tyson had me—I assume you figured all that out, but, um, anyway. I'm going to call the police and then my mother, but, um, well I wanted to talk to you if—sorry. Point is: I'm okay. Talk to you soon, I guess."_

Though she heard the click indicating the voicemail had ended, Kate remained frozen. She didn't blink. She definitely didn't breathe. She suffered from the pure shock of not understanding how someone who was more than likely dead called her up out of the blue as though he was a friend she hadn't seen since high school.

"Beckett? Yo Beckett you okay? Kate?"

Only when she heard Esposito use her first name (a true rarity from him) did she snap out of her trance, blink her eyes, and look to her left, where both of her partners stood with looks of grave concern.

"Is everything okay, Beckett?" Ryan asked, but all Kate could do was shake her head and rasp out a few words that made the hairs on the backs of their necks stand up.

"Castle…Castle just called me."

"What? Shit – where…how. I don't…I don't—oh god." Their reactions were frantic and rushed, and they meshed together in Kate's still shocked mind.

Thankfully, Esposito had the sense to pull the phone from her limp grasp and redial the last incoming call, but he received a tone from the operator saying the call could not connect. Cursing under his breath he handed the phone back. "It won't go through. Maybe it's a payphone or burner. Let's get a trace on that, though; maybe we can find him. Did he say where he was?"

"He…No! No!" She was slightly startled by how frantic her own voice sounded, but she couldn't help it. Castle had worked with her long enough to know protocol. Why hadn't he said where he was? Perhaps because he didn't know, she answered to herself, but he'd found a phone somehow which led her to believe he was within reach of something that would give them at least a direction to work on.

"It's okay, Beckett—they're back tracing that call now," Esposito called over from his desk where he cradled his phone between his ear and shoulder.

Kate nodded distantly, still feeling in a daze. She simply stared across the room, mentally reviewing his voicemail when part of it hit her. Mother—he was going to call his mother!

"Shit—I…I gotta go. I have to find Martha and Alexis. They'll…they'll want to go to him wherever he is—they'll want to go and…and…"

"We got it, Beckett. Go and hopefully by the time you get to their place we'll know where he is," Ryan said with a shocking amount of calm for someone who had been the most visibly devastated by Castle's disappearance.

Kate gave him an appreciative nod before grabbing her phone, keys, and jacket and sprinting towards the elevator.

* * *

Though during the prior hour of her long drive Kate's eyelids definitely felt weighted down, the moment she turned on to the correct street and could see a cluster of police cars up ahead, her heart began hammering beneath her ribs and sweat formed on her brow. This was it; they were here. In a matter of minutes Castle would be in front of them and… god, she still didn't know what to think of it.

By the time Kate arrived at the Castle loft apartment, both red-heads were in hysterics, having received the call they'd been dreaming of for a year. Around the same time, Ryan called her to inform him that the police had picked up Castle from the gas station from which he called them and were in the process of contacting with the FBI. Then, as the women collected themselves and prepared for their drive, their plans began to fall into place.

Castle had rejoined society just outside the High Peaks Wilderness in upper New York state—a several hours' drive from Manhattan. Though their destination arrival time would be at or near midnight, all three women agreed to make the trek as they—Alexis in particular—did not want to wait another day to see the man missing from their lives for so long. Thanks to Ryan acting as a liaison between them and the FBI, who had descended upon the small-town sheriff's office to take over the investigation (much to the frustration of the locals, Kate imagined), Castle had been informed they were on the way and they were told he "couldn't wait" to see them; the feeling was certainly mutual.

"Oh my god, Gran; he's in there." Kate heard Alexis coo from the backseat and a small smile crossed her face.

"I know, darling, but we must pace ourselves; I can only imagine how weary he is."

"Gran. C'mon—this is Dad. He's probably had ten cups of coffee and is driving the FBI nuts!"

Kate's smile grew a little bit wider as she parked her car beside two large black SUV's that screamed "federal vehicle." Turning around to the ladies in her back seat she said, "Why don't you two go ahead in?" She had made the decision very shortly after they began their drive and the two tearful women had been excitedly chatting about seeing Castle after so long. Really, what choice did she have? As much as she wanted to see Castle, she knew how dearly he loved his mother and daughter. They deserved to have a private reunion—or as "private" of one they could have with the FBI hovering.

Clearly too excited to protest, the women rushed out sentiments of appreciation and then hurried from the car. Alexis led the way, practically sprinting the fifty feet to the building's entrance with Martha clearly hurrying along in her wake. Smile still on her face, Kate reached for her phone, texted Ryan that they had arrived, and thanked him for all his help. It was only then that she realized there was another person she had yet to contact regarding the situation.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath as she pulled up her text message conversation with her boyfriend, Josh Davidson. Kate had been so shocked and all-consumed with thoughts of Castle since she received his call, that she had not thought once about her boyfriend. She took a moment to process that thought and decided it definitely was not a good thing, but she could not go back and change it. She did, however, need to contact him.

She knew that he was in the middle of a forty-eight-hour shift and most likely would not get her message, but she quickly tapped one out just to keep him in the loop.

 _Long story, but Castle was found. I took his family upstate to get him. I'll talk to you when I can._

Kate moved to put her phone back in her purse and ready herself to exit the vehicle when, much to her surprise, her phone chimed with a response from Josh.

 _Holy shit. Let me know if you need anything._

 _Thanks_ , she replied.

After putting away her phone, Kate exited the car and had walked halfway to the building's entrance when her heart fluttered in her chest at the same time her stomach lurched. She pressed her palm flat against body just above her belly button, shut her eyes, and took a deep breath. Castle was back—he had returned against improbable odds and that was a _good_ thing. So why the hell was she so nervous?

She took a few deep gulps of the cool night air and then set her jaw as she continued towards the entrance. She put on her steely detective exterior and raised up those walls around her heart to keep her emotions in check. Though she had come with the family, she was still technically there on NYPD business and thus needed to behave as such.

Kate half expected to see Castle immediately inside the door of the small sheriff's department, but she didn't. Instead, she came face-to-face with a trio of men who were obviously feds. She flashed her badge and introduced herself and explained that the recently-returned man was her partner. One of the dark-suited men wrinkled his brow and said, "I thought he was some sort of celebrity."

A breathy half-laugh escaped her lips and she simply said, "Yeah. It's…a long story."

The Feds seemed uninterested, which didn't surprise her, so she merely inquired where the man of the hour was and they pointed her down a short corridor that evidently led to a conference room. Her heart hammering and stomach churning once again, Kate walked up to the edge of the doorway and peeked her head inside. Castle had his back to her, but she could see the tears on both Martha's and Alexis's face as the trio embraced. She hung back in the doorway, giving them another moment of greeting, and then finally stepped inside the conference room, the sounds of her boot heels against the tile floor alerting them to her presence.

As she witnessed Castle's body begin to rotate towards her, Kate felt as though time began to move in slow motion. She was transported back years earlier to the very first time they met—well, the first time they met when she was a detective. Just like that night at the book party, she felt caught off-guard the moment his azure eyes met hers. The breath left her lungs and for a moment she felt suspended in time, like it was just the two of them alone in the world for that one, memorable moment.

"Beckett." His voice, though she had heard it through her voicemail a few hours earlier, sent a shiver down her spine. Instantly, the metal walls fell from around her heart, and tears pricked at her vision. God, there he was, just a few feet away. He was real; he was safe. Yes, he looked quite different with his beard streaked with grey and brown strands of hair, his usually well-quaffed hair a straggly mess, and the clothing hanging on his thinner frame, but he was still Castle.

"He-hey Castle," she managed, her voice a bit shaky. She felt her knees begin to knock and dropped her gaze to the ground, cursing herself and willing her mind to get a grip. There was too much to be done for her to fall apart in that moment.

"I—I'm so glad you came. Thank you for bringing Alexis and Mother up here."

Kate lifted her head to reply, but before she could, Alexis jumped in with, "Kate was at our apartment almost immediately after you called, Dad; and we left right away!"

She watched as Castle smiled at his daughter and then pressed a kiss on her cheek before peeling his body out of what Kate could only assume was a death grip. He then took two steps towards her and she realized he was coming to greet her with a hug, which instantly made her feel more nervous because…well, they didn't really hug, did they? Actually, they usually didn't have much physical contact at all, but of course she would never refuse his embrace. She just didn't want it to be…awkward.

"I, ah, I'm glad you're—you're okay," she said as his arms closed around her shoulders.

"Me too," he replied, pulling her in close. She let her hands settle at his sides and…

 _Oh._

Like a wave crashing against a sandy beach, the emotions washed over her the moment her body was pulled tightly against his. Castle—Castle was back. Her partner. Her friend. Her… oh, god, he was so much more than she realized until she was against him and remembered what it was like to feel the comfort of his presence.

Her diaphragm spasmed against her will and the tears collecting in the corners of her eyes slid down her cheeks. She didn't want to cry in front of him, in front of his family, and most certainly not in front of the FBI, but it was all too much to hold in. She had fought so hard, spent so many hours researching, pursuing, failing and trying again. She didn't succeed in finding him—he found her, which almost seemed more appropriate—but he was back. He was okay. He was not the next case she would lose herself in. He would get to live a long life. He could laugh, and write, and…love.

The last notion startled her into letting go. Only then did she realize how tightly she'd been gripping his body, but he didn't seem to mind. He pulled back wearing one of his classic dopey smiles. He studied her face for a moment then reached out and collected one of her fallen tears with the pad of his thumb without saying a word. Then, turning back to his family he said, "You all must be exhausted. I'm pretty sure that hotel room they booked us should be ready; we should go."

"Hotel?" Alexis asked, her voice ringing with notable surprise. "This town has a hotel?"

Castle hummed. "Well…from what they were saying, 'hotel' might be a bit of a stretch. Perhaps 'inn' is more appropriate. Guess we'll find out when we get there." He turned back towards the detective and smiled. "Coming Beckett?"

"Ah." She cleared her throat and then bobbed her head. "Y-yeah. Let's just check in with the FBI and make sure we're okay to leave."

Fifteen minutes later, Kate discovered that in actuality "inn" was stretching the term. At best, the place they were directed to was a bed and breakfast, but evidently it was the closet place to stay overnight for almost twenty miles. As all four of them were quite tired, they agreed not to question the owl-themed establishment run by a polite-though-weary couple in their sixties.

The room provided to them was in the old home's attic. It had four single beds and a bathroom in the hall that Kate felt Castle's six-foot-one frame would barely fit in. As none of them had the wherewithal to grab overnight bags before they left, they used the B&B-provided toiletries to clean up.

Though she felt reasonably awake during the drive, the moment she sat down on the single bed furthest from the door Kate felt exhaustion seep into the very marrow of her bones. She tugged off her boots and pulled back the sheets as she listened to Alexis and her grandmother pepper Castle with dozens of questions. From what she could tell, he was being quite evasive with his answers. She had every intention to continue listening (while being subtle, of course), but her intent failed, for she fell asleep almost the exact moment her head hit the pillow.

* * *

 **A/N:** a few things here

first, i really wish i could have made this into a longer multi chap because the potential is there, but my muse, unfortunately, is not. I've been struggling to write even a little bit so i'm pleased I actually got 5 parts out of this one.

Second, I am purposely posting this today, Nov 16th, for 2 reasons. 1) The Pornado weekend and 2) the Winter Ficathon. I'm actually "cheating" a litle bit and will need to post 2 chapters on Saturday in order to get the M chapter in the weekend. But i dont think anyone's going to complain :)

Third, update schedule will be: Ch 2 Sat Morning (EST), Ch 3 Sat Evening (EST), Ch 4 Sunday morning, Ch 5 Monday Evening.

ENJOY


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

Kate Beckett awoke with a start, her heart pounding a bit more than it should have after a restful sleep. She had been dreaming something—something she could not quite remember. She had definitely been running and then maybe falling? She could not recall, but regardless, she was now wide-awake. Groaning slightly, she groped for the phone half-tucked under her pillow and saw that the time was quarter past six. Shen then huffed out a breath as she rolled onto her back; of course she could never sleep in.

While on her back, Kate blinked up at the ceiling for a moment before she registered that something was quite amiss. This wasn't _her_ ceiling; she didn't have any low hanging rafters. Turning her head to the other side, she saw that Castle's mother was asleep in the twin-sized bed beside hers and instantly the prior days' events came flooding back to her. Castle was back—he was safe and sleeping just a few feet from her!

Smile instantly spreading across her face, Kate lay back and shut her eyes, reviewing the prior evening in her mind, but only for a few moments before the throb in her bladder became too persistent to ignore. She reluctantly threw back the covers and tip-toed across the chilly attic room to the bathroom in the hall. After using the facilities, she made to return to their room, but was startled by what appeared to be a moving shadow on the stairs. She half-jumped when she realized what she saw wasn't a shadow, but a person seated on the top step.

Kate had been so distracted by her need to relieve herself she had not realized that one of the beds in her room was empty. Evidently Castle had awoken before her—or maybe he hadn't really slept at all. Folding her arms tightly across her chest in an attempt to stay warm in the chilled hallway, Kate padded her way over to the man she previously called "partner" and took a seat on the step beside him without a word.

They sat that way for about thirty seconds when he said, "If you're looking for coffee—there's a sign down in the kitchen that politely yet firmly indicates that the kitchen does not open until seven."

"Bummer," she commented as she definitely could have gone for a brewed beverage in that moment—if for no other reason than its warmth. After another moment she inquired, "You sleep okay?"

"Ah, yeah." He exhaled heavily and ran his fingers across his brow and then down the side of his face until they reached his unkempt beard. He'd expressed a desire to shave it the night before, but then decided the cheap disposable razor available in the inn's guest toiletry kit would not be up to task, so he was stuck with the beard until he went back home. "I, ah, guess I got an hour, maybe two—something like that."

Kate's brow rose sharply as she certainly would not have dubbed sleeping less than two hours as anywhere close to "okay." Further to the point, she would have expected that after whatever he went through to escape, and then the actual act of trekking hours until he found someone who would help him that not sleeping would have been very unlikely due to his sheer exhaustion. "You couldn't sleep any more than that?"

He turned to face her and she felt startled by the intensity of his gaze. This was not the carefree, jovial man she had known from a year prior. This man had seen and experienced things she could not fathom; things that still weighed on him and would for months and years to come.

"He's out there, Kate," Castle rasped, his tone sounding more than a little haunted. "How can I sleep when he's out there?"

"Wha-ah…" Kate stammered, feeling more than a little confused by his comment. Tyson was out there—what did that mean? Hadn't he… She lowered her gaze to her lap for a moment, thinking back to her conversations with the FBI and her partners back at home. Ryan had said it was over and…Oh. Well. Maybe this was on her. She had assumed and she had been a detective long enough to know that was an inappropriate thing to do. She needed to look at the facts—only the facts.

"I, um," she continued a bit unsteadily. "With what Ryan had said I…I guess I assumed that you killed him."

Castle's gaze turned a shade darker. "I would have if that's what it took, but no; I escaped."

"Oh. I…" Kate stopped herself from asking further questions. With very little effort she could slip back into detective-mode and pepper her partner with dozens of questions, but was that really the mindset she needed to be in? Yes, taking Tyson into custody was certainly going to be one of her priorities, but surely the FBI had already questioned Castle at-length. Did she really want to be a detective in that moment? Or did she want—and need—to be a partner. Deciding on the latter, she added quickly, "We don't have to talk about it."

One corner of his lips quirked upwards. "I don't mind telling you, Beckett. He, ah…he knocked me out in that hotel room and the next thing I remember is waking up in a cabin—well, really I don't think it could be described as much more than a shack: no electricity, water pumped by hand from a well. I was chained to the wall almost continuously. He'd come about every other day to bring me food and to continue his psychological warfare against me."

Kate felt the urge to shiver at the mental image of the man beside her—the one she cared so deeply for—experiencing such a horror. "Was it like that for the whole year?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "More or less."

"So how'd you escape?"

"Two days ago when he showed up it was obvious that he was sick—real sick. He probably had the flu or something—I'm surprised he came at all with how awful he looked. Anyway, he didn't chain me as tightly as he normally did; I had more slack. I found a nail and a paperclip and I picked the lock."

"MacGyver," she teasingly accused, and he cracked a small smile.

"Yeah, I guess."

Kate thought about his situation for a moment before she voiced aloud one of her thoughts. "You never had the chance to overpower him? To fight your way out?" From what she recalled of Jerry Tyson, Castle certainly would have had some pounds on him—at least back when he was first taken—and given all she had witnessed from him over the years, she would have thought he would have been strong and clever enough to succeed. Though, when she looked up and saw the pain written on his face she realized she had been incorrect in her assumption.

"He…he kept bringing me pictures of Alexis. At school. Leaving the apartment. He…he said he'd…that he'd…"

When he stammered the second time, Kate reached out instinctually and placed her hand gently atop his forearm, which rested on his thigh. So that was the reason: Tyson had threatened his daughter. Of course Castle would have done anything to protect Alexis; she would have expected no less of him. But that knowledge raised another question: what had finally changed his mind? Other than perhaps the first real opportunity.

As though he'd heard her internal question, Castle continued in a shaky tone. "I was so afraid that I would do something that would have ramifications for you guys, so I did nothing—I stayed, but I…it's just been so long and I wondered if he would keep me there forever or if…so…so…" He paused to sniff back some tears and rub his finger beneath his nose. Turning to her he sighed out, "When I saw an opportunity to run I just…"

"Of course, of course." Kate sighed and continued to rub his forearm with her right hand. With her left, she reached over and gave his hand a squeeze, which he reciprocated. She could not imagine what it would have been like for him to remain captive for that long, continually fighting with whether or not he should stay to keep his family safe or escape in hopes of seeing them once again. It must have been horrific.

After almost a minute of silence Castle said, "He sent me pictures of you too, you know."

She leaned back, surprised. "Me?"

"Yes. Alexis. Mother. And you."

Giving her head a little shake at this new layer of complexity in his torture, she sighed out, "Oh, Castle I'm so sor-" only to be interrupted by their room's door whipping open.

"Richard!"

"Over here, Mother."

Kate turned to see Martha standing in the bedroom doorway clutching her hands to her chest. "Don't scare us like that! I thought you'd gone again."

Castle stood up, walked over to her, and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry; I just didn't want to wake you."

Kate stood and walked over to the duo, saying, "We should all get ready, that way we can grab something to eat as soon as the kitchen opens and hopefully be on the road by seven-thirty."

Martha nodded. "Yes, that sounds good, Kathrine." Then turning back to her son she added, "Just don't go far, okay?"

He smiled. "Of course Mother; I'll be right here."

* * *

"Welcome home, Dad!" Alexis announced as she swept her arms wide when they walked into the loft apartment. From her behavior, one would have expected balloons and streamers to adorn the room—and Kate had no doubt that there would have been, if time had allowed—but there was not. The loft looked identical to when it had when they'd hurried out the afternoon before.

After completing their drive back to Manhattan, Kate had every intent to drop the Castle trio off at their apartment building without joining them inside, but of course the moment they found out all three protested. She had no choice but to go inside but promised herself she would not stay long as the three of them needed to bond as a family and the last thing she wanted to do was intrude.

Kate followed Castle inside and watched him closely as he observed the space. His arms were folded over his chest and his eyes darted around almost as though he felt uncomfortable. This didn't alarm her as she had done a lot of reading on kidnap victims returning to their home environments. Of course, the context of her reading mostly had to do with kidnapped children, but she imagined the uncertainty of the return could be extrapolated in this case—especially considering how long he had been gone.

"Th-thank you, pumpkin. It's, ah, good to be back."

Still grinning, Alexis took a few steps towards his bedroom and gestured again. "All your stuff is right where you left it."

The writer looked a bit surprised. "I…really?"

"Of course. Did you think we would have thrown it all away?"

"Well, n-no, not all of it, but it has been over a year so…" His voice drifted off as he looked back at Kate, almost as though he hoped she could explain the situation, but Kate merely gave him a small smile in response; she did not feel it was her place to step in or offer her two cents.

Over the prior year, Kate had three separate conversations with the Castle women with regards to Castle's belongings and what should be done with them. She imagined that they came to her for advice because she had lost a parent when she was barely a few years older than Alexis, but this situation was far trickier than hers, if for no other reason than they had no official confirmation that Castle was dead. During each conversation, Kate encouraged them to do whatever they felt most comfortable with, because the one thing she could unquestionably provide them with was the knowledge that there was no timeline on grief. Did she think it was particularly healthy that six months after he disappeared they refused to move so much as a paperclip in his office—including leaving the half-full glass of now half solidified soda beside his laptop? Well, no, but she didn't feel it was her place to voice such thoughts aloud. Thankfully, they had cleaned up his desk, bathroom, and bedroom a few months after that, but she knew they had not thrown away anything more than they had to for hygienic reasons.

After silence hung between hem for almost a minute, Martha cleared her throat and said, "Well I don't know about you all, but I'm famished. Let's order in and spent the afternoon eating, drinking and enjoying each other."

"Sounds great, Mother. Excuse me," he then said before turning and walking into his bedroom. Seeing this as her cue to bow out, Kate opened her mouth to say goodbye, but before she could, Martha jumped in with, "Katherine, would you like a say?"

"I…oh, that's so sweet, Martha, but I'm going to get going."

"Whatever for?"

Kate looked between each of the women and shrugged. "It should really just be the three of you today."

"But darling-"

"No, really," Kate cut her off, knowing she needed to put her foot down before Martha guilted her into staying. "Today is for the three of you. Besides, I've got a shift this evening anyway and there are some things I should get done."

Though clearly reluctant, the elder woman nodded. "I see. Well, at least say you'll come to dinner with us sometime this week."

On that point, Kate agreed without hesitation. "Of course—I'll check my schedule and call you okay. I'm just going to say goodbye." She walked towards Castle's bedroom slowly, trying to determine the best approach. She wasn't sure if he was in the bathroom or simply surveying the belongings he had not seen for a while. Hoping it was the later situation, Kate continued, but also remained cautious in case it was the former.

When she reached the doorway, she tapped her knuckles against it to announce her presence. "Hey Castle, I…" Her voice drifted off when she heard distinct sounds of crying coming from inside the bedroom. Her heart wrenching with concern, she poked her head inside and saw the writer's head just barely visible on the other side of the bed.

Concern for her partner kicking in, Kate hurried into the room and around to the other side of the bed where Castle kneeled down with his shoulders slumped and his hands covering his face. She dropped down to her knees beside him and placed her right hand on his left shoulder saying softly, "Hey—hey; it's okay. What's going on?"

He sniveled for a few moments, wiping his cheeks with his fingertips and brushing the back of his hand beneath his nose before rasping out, "I'm fine, Beckett."

She gave him one of her infamous looks. "No, you're not."

He shook his head slightly as his bottom lip quivered, clearly trying to maintain his "fine" status, but ultimately his resolve crumpled with a "It's just… a lot."

Kate smoothed her hand across his shoulder to the center of his back, where she began rubbing in small circles. "I know; I can't even imagine how overwhelming all this is for you, but you know you just have to take it one step at a time—one day at a time." She could hardly imagine the turmoil that must have been roiling inside him at that moment. She imagined he was relieved to be home and overjoyed to see his family again, yet in a state of shock since he now had the opportunity to be "normal" for the first time in over a year. On top of all that, his captor was still out there so she imagined fear was mixed in with all those other emotions—even despite the knowledge that the NYPD would be watching his building for the time being.

"Yeah, I know…you're right."

She offered a small smile. "And you know you don't have to do any of this alone. Your mother and daughter are here for you—so are all of us at the Twelfth. And…well, you don't have to make any decisions about this right now, but often counseling is recommended for kidnapping victims and I really, really think you should consider it. The FBI will probably make a recommendation, but if they don't the NYPD certainly can."

"Right…"

Sensing he still seemed overwhelmed, she moved her hand from the center of his back up to feather through the long hair now hanging down across his neck. "You know what? Don't think about any of that until tomorrow. Why don't you just take that shower you've been wanting and maybe hack away at some of this beard," she added in as light a tone she could muster while tugging at some of the longer whiskers at the base of his jaw.

He almost smiled when he said roughly. "Yeah."

"I'm sure showering will make you feel plenty better. By the time you're done and changed I bet the food will be here too. Would you like me to help you find something to wear?" She felt a bit silly suggesting it, especially if he thought it was silly too, but she did so with the memory of the days shortly after her mother's death where everything—including the simple act of picking clothes for the day—seemed a nearly impossible task to complete.

"I…don't think any of them will fit."

Kate opened her mouth, but no sound came out as she realized he was correct. With the weight he lost, all of his pants would be too big, even if he could manage with a slightly baggy shirt. Thinking, "Just wear a belt," would not be as well received, she instead opted for another joke. "Well, um, you can send your mother out shopping—I'm sure she'd love that."

"Yeah."

"C'mon," she said, slipping her hands beneath his armpit so she could help him into a standing position. "I'll make sure you have fresh towels before I go."

He practically did a double-take looking at her. "G-go? You're not staying?"

"Ah, no, actually I came in here to say goodbye. Your mother did ask me to stay, but I have a shift later and-"

"Right; I get it." He hauled himself up off the floor wearing an expression a child might when they discovered Santa did not deliver the toy they desired on Christmas morning.

As her heart constricted beneath her ribcage, Kate felt the urge to wrap her arms around him, pull him close and promise him that everything would be okay, that they would work together to bring Tyson down; that nothing could ever hurt him again, but the prior year of disappointments reminded her she could not longer make such promises. And…well, all things considered, hugging Richard Castle close probably was not the best of ideas. She needed to—no; no she'd let him settle in once more, and then they'd figure out where they stood with their partnership.

Releasing him from her grasp, Kate backed two steps away and smiled at him. "Have a good afternoon with your family, Castle. And I…I'll see you later this week; I already told your mother I'd come over for dinner. If that's okay with you, I mean."

He nodded. "I'd like that."

"Great. I'll see you, Castle."

He nodded before turning towards the bathroom. "See you, Beckett."

* * *

A/N Thank you so much for your reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

Kate pushed open the door to the breakroom and stepped out cautiously into the main hall, cup of precious coffee cradled in her grasp. She had meant to be gone for only as long as it took her to rinse out and refill her cup, but a junior detective had cornered her to ask for advice on a case and she hadn't wanted to sprint away, so they'd talked it over for a few minutes. Now, she really needed to buckle down and get through the security camera footage queued up on her computer. Boring as it was, they were short-staffed at the moment, and it needed done to bring yet another killer to justice.

Rounding the corner to her desk, Kate nearly dropped her mug when she saw that the chair beside her desk was occupied with a six-foot-one, blue-eyed man for the first time in many, many months. He was looking towards the murder board and thus in almost the complete opposite direction, so she was free to take a moment to let the emotions—the memories—wash over her.

In the month since Castle's return, things had been…well, different between them. They had to be different. Over a year had passed and denying that things changed would have been a disservice to them both. Besides, just because Castle had physically returned did not mean that he was back in every sense. Actually, given what he had been through, it would have been strange not to mention inappropriate if he just picked up shadowing with her again; thankfully, he hadn't even asked—at least, not yet.

The few days after his return felt like a whirlwind. He did visit the Twelfth to say hello to everyone, but he didn't stay long, and Alexis was his shadow the entire time. When Kate joined them for dinner the next night he seemed closer to his old self. He smiled and made a few jokes, but she could tell he was reserved and uncertain, almost as though he expected Tyson to burst through his front door at any moment—and she couldn't blame him for that, because a certain part of her feared that as well.

After their meal he pulled her aside, asking if she would stay for another glass of wine so they could talk. She hesitated to agree, but ultimately did because she knew a conversation between them would be part of the healing process and she would not deny him that.

The first few minutes of their chat was fairly superficial, asking about any significant events in her life he may have missed. Then, he asked if she had a boyfriend, and when she told him, "Yeah, I'm with Josh—the doctor I was dating when Tyson took you," his expression made it seem as though she'd punched him in the gut and she hated it; it broke her heart.

Kate wasn't a fool, and though she did tend to turn a blind eye when it came to matters of the heart, during their year apart, and the great loss she felt without his presence, she finally acknowledged to herself that not only did she have feelings for her partner during their time together, but that he most likely reciprocated those feelings. He wanted them to date; she accepted that, but that didn't mean that they could date because—well, several reasons.

Looking at him as he said, "Wow. You're still together. That's—that's great, Beckett; I'm happy for you," made her feel gutted and reaffirmed to her that she needed to keep her distance, not just because she thought it was the best way for him to heal, but because she knew that if she let them, all those feelings that she had for him would come rushing back. And, as she stood there, gazing at him sitting in "his" chair, she knew that assumption had been right, because those feelings did come rushing back.

More than anything in the world, Kate wanted to stroll over to him and say, "Hey Castle," like she had so many times before. He'd make a joke, and she'd pretend to be annoyed that he was bothering her, but deep down she would feel relief and know that, if only for the next few hours, her job would be easier, and the load she carried atop her shoulders would feel a little bit lighter. Those were the things she had missed the most over the prior year and hoped to have again one day. Only when he was ready—and only when she no longer had the urge to throw her arms around his neck and hold him close.

Clearing her throat and shaking her head to push away those emotions, Kate returned to her desk and placed her coffee mug by her keyboard as a way of alerting the distracted man to her presence. He turned, smiled, and nodded. "Beckett."

Ignoring the fluttering of her heart, she sat in her chair and echoed, "Castle."

He nodded towards the mug. "I almost brought you some, but I was afraid maybe you'd kicked the habit while I was gone."

Kate looked at the cup and then back up to him in a state of momentary disbelief. "You…you thought I gave up coffee?"

He cracked a smile. "Of course not; I'm just joking with you. At least, I think I still know how to joke…"

She turned back to her monitor with a sigh. "Very funny, Castle."

He hummed. "Actually, I would have brought you coffee if I intended to stop here, but it was rather…spur-of-the-moment."

"Oh yeah? I guess it has been a while since we've seen you around these parts." And, of course, by "a while" she meant twenty-four days—not that she was keeping track or anything.

"Well, I was on my way back from an impromptu therapy session and I thought I'd stop in and say hello."

She turned to him with a wrinkled brow. "Impromptu? I hope everything is okay."

He looked hesitant for a moment and then lowered his voice. "I, um… I heard from the FBI today and they're, um, downgrading the search for Tyson; leads have all dried up."

Kate felt her heart clench beneath her ribs. "Oh, Castle; I'm so sorry. I—I didn't realize… I talked to your mother the other week but-"

"She doesn't know." He cut her off with a rather fractured smile. "Don't want them to worry, you know? And part of me wants to say that if Tyson really wanted to come for me, he would have by now. Maybe he's moved on, maybe he's plotting something, or… I don't know, but I know that it's out of my control, and I'm trying not to let him steal any more of my life from me."

Kate gave him an affirming nod at the sentiments that clearly came from time with a therapist—not that there was anything wrong with that. She agreed with the attitude, though would have struggled to follow it herself—and had for many years in the wake of her mother's death. Keeping her tone light, she said, "Sounds like that therapy is doing you a lot of good. You're going to the NYPD guy, right?"

"Yeah. Burke is his name. I like him a lot; its definitely been a good match."

"That's great, Castle. You definitely seem…brighter?" she said, though her tone rang a bit like a question in the end, for she did not quite know how to describe it other than, "More Castle-like."

He nodded. "I feel it. I know…I know I still have a ways to go, but every day is a little bit better." He gazed at her for a few moments before thumbing towards the board behind him. "So, ah, what's the current case?"

She turned to him, folded her hands in her lap and quirked her eyebrow. "Oh, I see why you came by: you wanted to solve a murder."

"Solve?" He pressed his left hand flat against this chest and bowed his head. "Beckett, you flatter me. Of course I don't expect to _solve_ the case—not by myself anyway. I'd let you help."

A laugh escaped her lips before she could stop it. Then, as she gazed at him, she bit down on her lower lip. "Well, uh, it is a bit of a mystery, but…are you sure you're ready for murder, Castle?"

The smile on his face slowly melted away and his lips flatted. He opened his mouth for several seconds before a sound actually came out. "I…no. No, I suppose not. But, um, maybe soon? If that would be okay?"

She smiled and casually turned back to her computer. "Of course. Ryan misses you very much."

"Oh—is he-?"

"Sorry he's out canvassing this afternoon."

The writer nodded. "Right. Well, um tell him I said hello—Espo, too."

Kate glanced over to him as he stood and adjusted his jacket. "Of course."

"It was, um, nice to see you Kate. Maybe…maybe I could stop by again sometime—with coffee."

She nodded. "Yeah; sure."

"Great. Um…good luck with your case, Beckett."

"Thanks," she said and then she waved as he walked off towards the elevators, watching him go until the doors closed behind him. Then, she sat back down, not sure of what to think of their interaction—or any future ones they might have.

* * *

Sitting in front of her laptop at her kitchen table, Kate tapped the end of her pen against her front teeth as she reviewed traffic camera footage. She had gone through the same recording two times previously without anything standing out, but she just knew something had to be there. Maybe she'd missed the van. Maybe it wasn't a van as much as an SUV. Maybe that grainy photo the FBI had let her see wasn't even Tyson's vehicle at all, but damn she had to try. She had to see if—

"Kate!"

The voice of her boyfriend Josh startled Kate so much that she dropped the pen she held. Leaning over to pick it up, she gazed towards the man now standing in the doorway of her kitchen and asked with slight impatience, "What?"

He shook his head, clearly annoyed. "You weren't even listening to me, were you?"

Truthfully, she had not even been aware he arrived after the end of his shift. Surely, he hadn't been there long. She had only been sitting at the table for—oh. Her shoulders fell a bit when she realized it was after nine p.m. and she hadn't moved from her spot in over three hours. "I—I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"Tomorrow is the deadline for me to RSVP to that dinner I told you about. Should I RSVP for one or two?"

"Uh…" She hesitated as she searched her mind for the memory of a dinner discussion but found none. She had no idea what he was talking about. "When is it again?"

"A week from Friday."

"Friday…oh, um, you know I don't know what my shifts are for that week yet so maybe, um, maybe you should just RSVP for one."

"I see," he said, his tone clearly terse. Nodding to her laptop he said, "New case?"

"Uhh…" She hesitated again as she glanced back towards the laptop, making sure nothing incriminating was displayed, but the video was paused on a shot of the darkened highway. "Um, no, not a case as much as a side project."

He scrunched his nose. "About highway traffic?"

"Well, no its not about traffic; I'm looking for a specific car."

He bobbed his head. "Castle's car—or, rather, the car of whatever lunatic three-way killer-"

"Triple Killer," she corrected despite the fact that it would clearly incriminate herself.

"Right. Triple Killer." He took a step towards her and gestured to the computer. "I thought we were done with this, Kate."

"This isn't footage from Castle's disappearance—this is new footage; from the night he was found. Rather—the night before. The FBI says they ran out of leads but I-"

"Naturally you thought you'd find something."

His snide comment made red splotches pop into her line of sight and she felt the back of her neck grow heated. "What's that supposed to mean?" she snipped back, but he dropped his hands to his sides and looked rather exhaustedly at her.

"What are we doing here, Kate?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are we doing here? Why are we…prolonging this?"

She shook her head. "I don't understand."

His eyes narrowed at her. "Really? You don't understand that I didn't stand a chance after Richard Castle returned from the dead, but somehow I do?"

With that comment, the heat crept from her neck into her cheeks and she could feel the padlocks snap more tightly around her heart. "Josh-"

"Look, don't get me wrong." He huffed out a breath and scrubbed his hands down over his face before looking at her once more. "I didn't want the guy to be dead; I'd never want that but…it's always been him, hasn't it? Since the beginning. Practically from the first month we were dating—you never looked at me like that."

Kate's brain jumped into defense mode practically without her realizing and she began spluttering, "That's not—I don't—I didn't _look_ at Castle like I-"

"Kate, come on. Everyone could see it. I only stood a chance when he wasn't here and even then, I still fought with his ghost."

She felt her stomach flip when Josh's expression morphed into one of sad defeat. She felt tears prick her eyes but fought them back by swallowing hard and clenching her fists. Both embarrassment and horror swirled within her gut, for she truly had not realized how strongly her feelings were for her partner until he was already gone, and thus had been mostly unaware of how she looked at him, and completely unaware that others—let alone her boyfriend!—had noticed.

Ever since rekindling their relationship, Kate had genuinely tried to dedicate herself to Josh. She told him more details about her mother's murder than she had previously (though, admittedly, still not all the details). She confided in him about stressful cases and made a pointed effort to reciprocate kindness, understanding, and listening to him. Though she had never felt she was the best at relationships, she had genuinely dedicated herself to theirs, and the prospect that she had failed to do that was equally frustrating and crushing. "I—I was trying to—to be here; to be in this."

He gave her a half smile and nodded. "I know, and you were, but for the past month? Ever since he… I mean, God. Do you even know how long it's been since we made love, Kate?"

She winced at this, because she did exactly know; it had been the day before she received Castle's phone call. To Josh's credit, he had given her quite a bit of space that first week. After that, it had all been on her—the excuses and dismissed advances. When it came right down to it, it just didn't feel right. She still had feelings for Josh but with Castle back…she simply felt emotionally overwhelmed all the time and, as a result, went back to her old habits of pushing everyone away.

"Yeah. It's, ah, been about a month."

"Yeah; a month."

The longer he stared at her, the more Kate's grip on her emotions began to slip. With her bottom lip trembling, she confessed softly, "I'm sorry."

"You don't… you don't have to apologize for how you feel. I just…I wish we'd both realized it sooner—or had been willing to admit it sooner."

Feeling undeserving of his kind response, she sniffed back more tears and said, "I am sorry, though. It was never my intent to hurt you. You're a good person, a good man and I-"

"You're love with someone else."

"No!" She responded to his utterance of the "L" word as thought it had been an electric shock. "No, I'm not—I'm not. The thought of being with him terrifies me, and…" Her voice drifted off as he gazed at her with an unusual expression. It was patient, yet challenging, and for some odd reason she felt as though he was silently daring her for once in their relationship to be completely honest about how she felt without holding anything back.

Her diaphragm fluttered and she shut her eyes, trying to regain control, but it was no use. Her relationship with Josh was over; that much was plain. Not that she blamed him for wanting out of something that had become so one-sided. As much as she did not want to hurt him, the damage was already done, and she knew the least she could do was respect him enough not to lie or avoid, but to be honest, even if it was with truth he probably didn't want to hear.

"…and it's just as terrifying to think about being without him again." As she confessed, a single tear dripped down her cheek. That was, in a sense, the internal battle she had been fighting for a month: the desire to be near the man she cared for versus the fear that he might disappear and leave her heart shattered once again. That was why she'd spent practically every free moment of the prior few days combing through leads and traffic camera footage—so she could do the thing she had failed to do before: find Jerry Tyson. For that was the only way to keep Castle safe.

"But which one of those things scares you more?" He asked the question, let it hang in the air for a few moments, and then took a few steps back from her. "Look, I'll… I'll get my things in the next few days, okay? Just—just do me one favor? Try to be happy, Kate." And with that, he turned and walked out of her apartment.

When she heard the door slam shut, Kate could not longer contain her emotions, and collapsed down against the table in sobs. She had cared for Josh, and would miss him, but he had been right to call her out on their limbo-like relationship. She wasn't sure she would have been brave enough to do it herself, particularly with her whole life feeling as thought it was at a crossroads, so she was thankful he had done it for her. And though she knew it would take time to fully accept his final words, she also knew them to be correct.

She had to take the leap she'd been fearing for practically her whole life. Maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't, but she simply had to know or she would not be able to move on and have the happy life she most desired. The only problem was: it was, without a doubt, the scariest thing she would ever do.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Please note the rating for this fic is now "M"**

* * *

 **FOUR**

Kate Beckett stood outside the Castle loft with her hands in her jacket pockets and her heart hammering at double regular speed beneath her ribcage. Yes, she was nervous—incredibly nervous—but she was confident in her decision. Scary as it was, she knew she was doing the right thing. Her thrumming heart was not so much due to concern for his reaction—she was quite confident it would be positive—but for her own. She did not want to fall back into old ways and risk destroying what she believed was her chance to be her happiest self. There was no guarantee she wouldn't, either, but she was more determined than ever to try.

Ten days had passed since her breakup with Josh and she had spent most of that time thinking about her life, how she got to where she was, and where she wanted to go from that point forward. Though the thought of opening herself up fully to someone still made her anxious, she knew she could never achieve the kind of life she desired without doing so. And, crazy as it seemed considering they had never had intimacy of any kind, she could only imagine that happening with one person.

When she thought about her life, the notion of having it without Castle clutched her heart with fear. She thought back to those early days without him, back when her confidence in finding him and Tyson still weighted out, but she still had small moments of doubt—moments when she thought she would never see his smile or hear her laugh again. Those moments had sent tears down her cheeks and made her ribs crush in against her lungs. She could not control the future and as such she could not guarantee that such a moment would not come again, but she knew she would regret not experiencing anything more intimate with him than sharing a cup of coffee.

Taking a deep breath to steel herself for the conversation she was about to have, Kate lifted her knuckles to knock against the door. She waited patiently for about half a minute before Castle let her inside with a warm smile.

"Thanks, um, thanks for letting me come over tonight," she said as she shrugged off her jacket and passed it over to him, so he could hang it in the closet.

"Of course. You actually sounded a bit upset. I hope everything is okay."

She shook off his question and instead asked, "Could we go into your office to talk?"

"Sure." He led the way and then gestured for her to sit on the small sofa just inside the door. His brow knit with concern as he sat beside her and asked, "Is everything okay, Beckett?"

She gave a combination shrug and headshake and then began with, "There are so many things I want to say to you, but before I get to any of that: I need to apologize. For a lot of things, actually, but mostly the past six weeks. I… I haven't been the friend you've needed since you came back, and I am very sorry for that. I should have been there for you, I should have called you, talked to you—I should have been your partner. I…I should have been there instead of pushing you away, but that's…that's what I do. I push people away. At least, I did, but I'd like to change that—starting now."

Castle tilted his head slightly to the side as he gazed at her, clearly as attentive as he was intrigued. Her heart stuttered again beneath her ribs and she dragged her fingernails over the thighs of her jeans for a moment to dissipate the tension for what would be her most intimate reveal to anyone in her life—ever.

"See the...the thing that I don't tell anyone is that losing my mother—it broke me. It hurt so much, I never wanted to feel pain like that again. Ever since then I lived my life at arm's length from everyone, never letting myself get too close so I couldn't be hurt that way again. No matter how long I knew someone, how seemingly close we were, I always distanced myself...until I met you."

She paused for a moment and took in a deep breath, pushing it out through her lips slowly in hopes that she could get through her next few sentences with a steady voice. "Castle, when you were gone... when everyone kept saying that you—that you couldn't...s-sorry." She squeaked out the last word and shook her head, frustrated that she couldn't be stronger than the upheaval of the emotions inside of her chest, but he didn't seem to mind one bit.

"Don't apologize. Here—hold on." He popped up from his seat, rushed around behind his desk, and returned a second later holding a box of tissues out to her. She took two and thanked him softly. He smiled when he sat back down appearing just as calm and patient as ever.

After taking a few moments to collect herself, she continued. "When you and Tyson first disappeared I thought: Okay, I can solve this. I can solve this, and we'll get him back. The FBI got involved but I kept looking. I kept searching. But then days became weeks and weeks became months. It felt like we were turning over every rock, but everything was a dead end and you... I know the stats about the likelihood of finding someone alive after weeks let alone months. I knew, but I wouldn't let myself think...

"It was Espo who finally pulled me aside and said that he'd never tell me to stop looking—that he knew me better than that—but that he needed me to acknowledge that in all likelihood we'd never get you back, just so I didn't get lost in that rabbit hole again. I screamed at him of course and when I went home I just..." She shut her eyes, remembering the all-consuming feeling of hopelessness she had felt on what was one of the worst days of her life. When she continued, her voice was quieter.

"I lost it because losing you hurt so much. It hurt so much, like this hole." She placed both her hands on her chest just above her sternum to indicate where she'd felt the void. "There was this ache inside my chest that I didn't think would ever stop. And that's when I realized I was in the exact place I never wanted to be again. I had lost someone I loved and I just…" She sniffed and shook her head. "I didn't think I could deal with all that pain again, so….so I went right down the path my father had, and I started drinking."

He sighed out, "Oh Kate," so quietly she wasn't sure he realized that he'd said it aloud, but in response she gave a broken smile. She mopped her cheeks again and then cleared her throat.

"This was about...four or so months after you disappeared. I'd stopped calling Josh back…oh, about a month earlier so we effectively broke up and I just... drank for a few weeks until my father showed up and..." She straightened her spine and shook her head, knowing it was better to leave out the darker parts of her path to sobriety. "Well, he helped me pull myself out of it before it got too bad and I slowly started to heal. I still checked in with the FBI every few weeks, but I slowed up on my own investigation—not that I had leads at that point anyway."

She took a moment to toss her used tissues in the trash can beside his desk and then returned to the couch. Knowing she was moving towards the end of her story, she knew she was about to sound even more emotional than before, but with his kind eyes gazing at her, she wasn't afraid; not anymore.

"I don't want to say that I moved on, because just like losing my mom, I don't think I would have ever fully gotten over losing you, but I kept going. Josh and I reconnected a few months ago and we tried to make it work, but...when you came back... I was so scared. I thought if I let myself get close to you again and it didn't work out or you weren't interested or...whatever the case: I didn't think I'd survive the heartbreak a second time, so I tried to keep my distance. It was the only way I thought I could keep my feelings in check but in reality, I was a wreck because I had missed you for a year and I just wanted to be near you to make sure you were still there..." She was almost surprised at how silly the words sounded aloud, so she dropped her chin and shook her head. "Sounds crazy, I guess."

"No." His hand landed on her forearm and she looked up to see him smiling. "I get it—I get it."

She smiled gently back as she gazed at the man for whom she cared so much. He had always made her feel as though anything was possible in the most inexplicable of ways, but sitting there beside him, with his thumb tenderly grazing across the side of her arm she began to accept that somethings didn't need explanation for it only ruined their magic.

"Josh knew." She squeaked out and then cleared her throat. "He knew before I did—or at least before I let myself believe it. From the second you came back I had no choice but to take this leap; I had to find out if we—if we could be something or—or I would always, always, always regret it and I'm sorry it took me so long to say that."

"You've always been worth the wait." He quipped; she let out a breathy laugh and reached for another issue to mop up her face. He let her take a minute before scooting a bit closer to her and launching into a confession of his own.

"Kate, listen, as long as we're being truthful here, I…well, as you can imagine, I had a lot of time to think over the prior year and one of the things I thought about a lot was you, and us, and why I felt for you the way I did and… I think mostly it's because for the very first time I was fighting for something bigger than myself. I mean that both because I was working with you to solve crime and for me. For the first time I really thought about me, my life, what I was doing with it and, yeah, I wasn't a terrible guy, but I could have been better—so much better. And that's what you make me want to be—my best self. For the last year of our partnership I tried to be the best man I could be—a man I thought worthy of you. I want to be that man, especially now—after everything I've gone through—so that's what I'm going to do – work every day to be the best me I can be—especially if it's the me that gets to stand beside you."

Kate could not have stopped the tears if she wanted to. This man—oh god, this kind, sweet, amazing man—was already so much better than he thought he was. It was she who felt undeserving on most days, but maybe they were both finally in the right space to be together, and to make things work. She just wanted one last promise from him before they embarked on that journey.

Lifting her hands to cradle his face she brushed her thumbs over his cheeks and pleaded. "Don't...don't go away again, Rick. Please."

He leaned his forehead into hers and skimmed his fingers against her waist, promising, "I won't; I swear to god I won't."

"Good," she sighed out before sliding her hands to the back of her neck and using them as anchors to pull his mouth into hers. His lips pressed into hers, he let out a small groan, and Kate instantly felt fireworks explode in her belly and travel up and down the length of her spine. Their long-awaited first kiss was exactly what she'd dreamed it would be.

Their lips came together again and again, at first soft and tentative, but growing steadily hungrier as they were finally giving into something they had both wanted for so long. She tilted he head to the side and parted her lips, nipping slightly at his bottom lip before drawing him all the way in and kissing him like she had in those dreams she was finally willing to admit that she had.

"God, Kate." The writer hummed out as he skimmed his fingers across her back. "You're amazing. I thought…I thought about you so much—so much."

"I thought about you," she hummed out between kisses. "Every day...I'm so sorry I didn't find you."

"No, no." He pulled back and cupped her face, his gaze as genuine as ever. "I know you did everything that you could—that you would have found me if it was at all possible."

Feeling her chest tighten again at the thought that she had failed, she tried to protest with, "But, I-"

He kissed away her doubts and brushed his thumb against her jawline. "Shh. Don't. Don't do that to yourself. It's okay—we're here now. Together."

In his loving reflection, her lips curled upwards, and she nodded her head in agreement. She couldn't focus on what she had or had not been able to do in the past—especially when it no longer mattered. Castle was there; he was safe. And they were moving on—together.

She leaned back in to kiss him, but he stopped her by leaning away. Her brow wrinkled for a moment, but he continued to smile as he picked up her hand and gave it a gentle tug so she would stand along with him. Then, without a word, he led the way across the office to the doorway that led to his bedroom. Just as he passed under the doorframe he turned back to her and asked, "Is this okay?"

Her heart thrumming a bit harder, she rasped out, "Yeah, definitely."

When thinking about different ways her evening with Castle might play out, Kate had briefly thought about whether or not they would have sex. Specifically, whether or not she would want to have sex with him that night or if they should take things slowly. Of course, if she was completely honest with herself, she'd thought about having sex with Castle several times over their partnership, but she knew the most important thing that night needed to be honesty and starting anew. The second most important thing would be Castle's comfort level. He was the one who had suffered trauma, so she would let him set their pace, though she certainly had no complaints about the pace he was setting.

With her hand still in his, he led them into his bedroom, turned on the lamp beside the bed, and then gently guided her to sit down on the mattress. He arched over her and kissed her in the slow, sexy way she'd always dreamed he would. She lay back, letting him settle atop her as they kissed and both their hands began to roam.

When his lips moved from hers to beneath her jaw, she hummed with delight and began to work the buttons on his shirt, dusting her fingers through the soft hair on his chest, and feeling the warm skin beneath her fingertips. She traced down the center of his abs before reversing direction and moving her index finger over to encircle one of his nipples in hopes of driving him a little bit crazy. Judging by the way he groaned against her throat, it worked.

Chuckling to herself, she pushed herself up so she would be in a better position to remove his shirt. She was halfway through pushing the open sides off his shoulders when her gaze focused on his chest and she gasped aloud at what she saw. "Oh! Castle!"

Instantly, he recoiled from her and pulled the edges of his shirt together to cover the marks. "Sorry, I—I'm sorry; I didn't think. Here—let me put a t-shirt on and-"

"No." She stopped him, quickly reaching out for his shirt to pull him back towards her. He remained statuesque so she softened him with. "Please; let me see."

With notable reluctance, Castle returned to her side and let her pull the shirt away from his body. With his skin exposed she could see the dozens of marks painting his flesh almost like polka-dots. Cigarette and cigar burns, she assumed due to the perfectly round nature of the different-sized marks. In addition, several dozen cuts could be seen on his biceps and forearms. Considering she had never seen him naked before, the marks could have been old, but with how many there were, she very much doubted they came from anyone other than Tyson.

Brushing her hands over his biceps she sighed, "God, Rick…what did he do to you?"

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

She cradled his face with her left hand until he looked at her and she promised, "It does matter and I want to hear about it."

He wrinkled his nose momentarily and asked in a tone that was both disappointed and uncertain, "Right now?"

She smiled at the way he sounded like a child being asked to do homework instead of opening birthday presents. "Later?"

"Later." He confirmed.

She nodded before reaching down, grabbing on to the hem of her shirt with both hands and pulling it up and over her head. She gave it a casual toss on the floor and they shared a smile before falling back against the mattress. Castle returned to his previous position atop her and began to place his kisses across her collar bone and down the center of her chest while his right hand slipped beneath her and skillfully undid her bra clasp. She then helped him pull the item off her body and gave it a toss as well.

"God Kate." He breathed out as he bought his lips to the spot between her breasts. "You're so incredible."

Kate skimmed her hands through his hair and scratched her nails lightly into the back of his head. She was about to speak a quippy response when he surprised her by turning his head and capturing her right nipple with his lips, which had her gasping out instead. He placed a few wet kisses on her breast before using the flat of his tongue against the end of her nipple, which caused the heat already building between her thighs to swirl even more.

She let him explore her chest a few more moments before cupping his jaw and pulling his face up so that she could give him a rough kiss. Then, after nipping at his bottom lip, she used her knees at his hips to flip him onto his back so she could take her turn to explore, kiss, and caress. She trailed her lips down his belly to her favorite part on a man: the thin trail of hair leading from his belly button to his groin. As she kissed and swirled her tongue, her hands began to unbuckle his belt and work the button and zipper on his jeans.

As she always preferred a slow, agonizing reveal in those situations, Kate then began to kiss her way back up his chest while her right hand just barely dipped inside his now-open jeans. She slid it overtop his boxers several inches until she felt him, already quite hard, beneath her hand. She rubbed her fingers against him and continued her exploration until she realized that her entire hand was overtop him, and there was still more of him to spare.

A little taken aback, she paused her kisses to look down at where her hand was and then back up at him with an amused expression on her face.

"Something wrong?" he asked softly.

"Oh no," she assured him. "Not wrong. I'm just thinking back to all those women who called you the White Whale; guess they weren't kidding."

In a rare move, the writer's cheeks actually blushed as he said her name a bit uncertainly. "Kate…"

She pulled her hand out of his pants so she could slide up his body and caress his jaw with both of her thumbs. "Why, Richard Castle, you're not embarrassed are you?"

"No—not embarrassed. Just…in the wake of everything that happened, I suppose it's a little disappointing that it's the main reason people remember me."

"It wasn't the main reason I remembered you."

"To be fair: you technically didn't know about it then."

She nodded. "True, but I do now, and I promise I would still remember you as one of the most amazing, kind-hearted men I've ever met." She kissed him sweetly and then hovered over him with a grin, hoping to bring the mood back to a lighthearted one. Lowering her mouth to his left ear she continued with, "Who has a huge dick."

"Kate!" He growled and grabbed her around the waist, flipping her over onto her side as she laughed.

They wrestled playfully for a moment before she locked her legs around his back to hold him close so she could give him a searing kiss. He put up no fight and settled his body against hers, grazing his hands down her sides until he could grab her ass. Then, he began using his right hand on the fastenings of her jeans, clearly intending to mirror her actions, except he found resistance and groaned. "God these jeans are tight. I—I can't even…"

She laughed at his attempts to shove his large hand down her skinny jeans and instead suggested, "Just take 'em off."

He smiled as though that idea hadn't even come to him. "Oh. Right."

Castle clambered off the bed as she lifted her hips and pushed the snug-fitting pants down to her thighs. From his position off the bed, he grabbed each pant leg at its ankle and tugged them free of her body. While he stood, he also pushed his jeans to the floor. She watched as he then opened the drawer of the nightstand beside his bed and began rummaging through before cursing beneath his breath.

"What's wrong?"

"I…I didn't even think about how much time had passed. These are probably expired, right?" he asked somewhat rhetorically as he pulled a square foil packet up and squinted at it, presumably trying to see an expiration date.

"It's okay; I'm on birth control."

He gazed at her, a bit tentative. "Are you sure?"

She nodded and slid off the bed so she could pull back the covers and give them a place to lay down. Then, she reached out her hands for his hips and gave his boxers a shove until they pooled at his ankles. Gazing up at him lovingly, she sighed out, "I'm sure." While she appreciated his attempted initiation of protection all she wanted in that moment was him.

After stepping out of his boxers, Castle leaned down and brought his lips to hers. Their lips never separated as she lay back on the bed and he hovered overtop of her. Still standing beside the mattress, he reached down, grabbed the waistband of her panties, and pulled them off. He then gazed down at her for a moment, his eyes drinking in every inch of her before breathing out, "God, you're incredible."

She smiled, and reached out for his hand to pull him closer. They then took a minute to rearrange themselves on the bed, with her head resting on a pillow and his body settling between her legs. They kissed slow and gentle, both of them savoring the moment they had both been anticipating for quite some time. As their noses and foreheads bumped together, Kate felt Castle's hand slide between her legs, skimming across her wetness until he reached the spot that had her gasp then groan out his name. He moved his index and middle finger in small circles over that spot until her fingertips were digging into his back and she could not help but roll her hips in anticipation.

He placed one more rough kiss on her bottom lip before whispering, "Are you ready?"

"Yes." She sucked in a shuttered breath as she spread her legs a bit further to make room for him. Then, as he entered her channel she rolled her head back and her mouth fell open against her control. Fuck he felt incredible. She dug her fingers into his back and clung onto him through his first few thrusts until they found the exact right rhythm that—"Oh god," she groaned as he hit the exact right spot again and again.

"God, Kate," He panted in response. "You feel—ah!—incredible."

She couldn't form words to describe the sensation of feeling more complete than she had ever felt before. It had taken over thirty years, but she was more certain than ever that the man loving her then was the one she was meant to find. The feeling was both terrifying and exhilarating—and unexpected, but as she pulled his body down even tighter against hers, she knew it was one hundred percent real.

Castle dropped his lips to her shoulder then sped up his pace. She lifted her hips a fraction at just the right moment and his next thrust sent her tumbling over the edge. She whimpered at her body melted with release and a moment later he groaned out her name as he climaxed as well. Sated, they held each other close for half a minute before he rolled off her and settled down so that they faced each other with their heads at opposite ends of the same pillow.

She smiled and brushed her thumb against his chin. He captured her hand, kissed that thumb, and then held it close to his chest, where she could feel his heart still pounding. All she thought as she gazed at him was that she was in love with this incredible man and for the first time in her life she was not scared at all by the notion, for she knew all too well the desperation of living without him.

They lay in silence together for the better part of five minutes before he asked, "Are we going to be partners again?"

Still feeling delightfully encased in her post-orgasmic high, it took Kate a minute to process his words, but when she did, her brow wrinkled with slight annoyance. "Really Castle? We just had sex and your first thought was about murder?"

"No," he responded, quite series. "I'm thinking about spending every moment I can with you."

"Oh." She chuckled lightly and then moved her position so she could tuck her hands beneath her cheek. "Aren't you worried you'll get sick of me if you do that?"

He shook his head. "Not possible." Then, presumably as extra encouragement, he reached out his hand and placed it atop her shoulder, which he rubbed gently.

She gazed at him and realized that for the prior few minutes she had forgotten about the horrors he faced, but they were still very real, and she imagined still haunted his day-to-day life. "I want us to be partners again, but only when you're ready."

"I'm getting there. This is going to help."

She nodded and made the promise she knew she should have six weeks earlier. "I promise I'll be here for you from now on—for whatever you need."

"While I appreciate this, I mean literally this," he said as his hand skimmed down her spine and he grabbed onto the cheek of her ass. "A picture of your naked backside as my phone's home scr—ahOUCH!" he yelped when she smacked him in the chest.

"Castle!"

He merely grinned. "What? I was serious."

Kate felt a growl rise up in her throat and felt the immediate urge to smack him even harder, but the feeling was almost immediately replaced by a feeling of despair. _This_. It was this that she had missed the most: the way that he could be an utter jackass and also make her feel happier than she had ever been in her entire life. It was the strangest sensation, one that was unquestionably unique to him, and one that she had missed dearly over their year of separation. Now that they were together in every sense, she knew he would be by her side, but still the underlying fear remained.

Presumably picking up on her uncertain expression, he stroked her cheek with his thumb and asked, "What is it?"

She felt her eyes burn with tears as she said, "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." Then he leaned in, kissed her, and gathered her up in his arms. She snuggled in close and shut her eyes, knowing she would sleep soundly in the arms of the man she loved.

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Final part will be up tomorrow - thank you for reading & reviewing :)


	5. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Kate Beckett stepped tentatively through the doorway of the office inside the loft apartment, slipped her hands in her back pockets, and silently observed the man standing just a few feet from her. She had just finished putting their newly purchased groceries into the refrigerator and turned around expecting to see him doing the same to the pantry, only he wasn't there. Instead, their cloth bags had been abandoned on the floor at the opposite end of the kitchen. It didn't take her more than a few seconds to deduce where he had gone, so naturally she followed.

She watched Castle stare into his bedroom with a noticeable amount of uncertainty and her heart clutched in her chest. She didn't need the powers of telepathy to tell her what was going on inside his mind at that moment. Some of the same thoughts were certainly filtering through hers as well, but years on the job had taught her that in moments like this processing and moving on in a healthy way could literally be a life safer.

Kate took another step towards him, the creek of the floor under her boot alerting him to her presence. He turned and she could see that one last strand of yellow police tape remained as a barricade on the entrance to the bedroom. She curled her lip with slight displeasure; the crime-scene clean up crew should have known better than to leave that shocking reminder behind, but then again maybe it was good. It forced their inevitable conversation to happen sooner than later.

"He's gone, you know; forever," she reminded him softly.

Castle glanced back towards the bedroom tentatively as though he half-expected to see Jerry Tyson's ghost hovering above their king-sized sleeping space. "I know." He rasped out, his voice a bit gravely. He cleared his throat and took a step towards her so that they met by the edge of his desk. "I know he can't hurt us anymore but I… I can't imagine ever forgetting that moment."

She gave him a soft smile and lifted up her hand so she could caress his cheek with the pad of her thumb. Two weeks earlier at around two o'clock in the morning, she had been sound asleep only to be awakened by Castle's shouts and the bed moving violently. When she opened her eyes she witnessed Castle flying through the air as he landed on Jerry Tyson, who stood at the end of their bed brandishing a knife. Castle later explained to her that he had woken up to find Tyson just moments away from slitting her throat. She jumped out of bed and retrieved her service weapon from the bedside drawer, but in the end it was Castle who took Tyson's life by plunging the knife into his throat. Thankfully, other than a nasty gash in is palm that required stitches, the writer was otherwise unscathed, and their three-year battle with the Triple Killer was finally over.

"I know what you mean," she said softly, continuing to stroke his face. "I probably won't forget that night, either—and that's okay as long as it doesn't define us." Over the little more than year that had passed since Castle's return, he had taken great strides in returning to his "old self." In fact, more days than not, Kate noticed no difference, but she also knew there were times he sat up late in his office scouring the internet for signs of Jerry Tyson. While the killer's death did provide Castle with the closure he never had, she was concerned that the violent act could send him spiraling. He seemed okay, and he was talking about everything which her, which she appreciated, but she knew all too well that ending a life—even if it was justified—could darken a person, and that was the last thing she wanted for him.

He turned his head, kissed her palm, and said, "No; we define us."

She smiled and nodded in agreement. "Absolutely."

He leaned in, kissed her, and then settled his hands at her waist, holding her body close to his. "You know, I was thinking…after the dust settles a bit more, we should get away for a weekend. Maybe go to the Hamptons?"

"In winter?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "If you'd rather, we can pick a tropical island to explore. You name it and it can be arranged."

She hummed and locked her hands together behind his neck. "Does it really matter where we are if we never leave the bedroom?"

He chuckled deeply. "While I appreciate those sentiments—the view would be different."

"Fair enough. You choose; I don't care."

"Okay. I just want it to be someplace quiet, so we can talk about us. The future. Where you see us in five years—those sort of things."

Kate dragged her teeth over her bottom lip to distract herself from the aggressive fluttering of her heart. Something about the twinkle in the writer's eye told her that discussions of marriage would be on the docket for that weekend—and she had no problem with that. It had been not long after the onset of their relationship when she awoke feeling warm and safe in his arms and known that he was the man she would spend the rest of her life with. She had been in no rush, but if he was going to broach the subject, she certainly was not going to protest.

"Sounds good, but for the record: I see us here."

To her surprise, his nose crinkled and he looked back over his shoulder. "Really? I don't think that yellow tape goes too well with the existing décor but…"

She grumbled and gave one of his ears a playful tug. "Without the tape. Obviously."

He gave her a wink and then turned around to remove said tape. With it in his hands, he called out, "Hey," until she turned to face him. Then he continued with, "I love you."

She smiled and felt all remaining stress melt away from her body, for nothing made her happier than hearing those three words from him. "I love you too, Castle."

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 **Thank you all so much for reading & reviewing!**


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